Funny how a single sentence from someone close to me can remind me what they really think of me. Too stupid, too damaged, too broken, never good enough. I don't want to be bitter. Really I don't. People ask me all the time why I don't move closer to family. It's because about a day or two is all that we can really get along, and I hate it. Maybe I'm just projecting... How can we expect to go to heaven if we cannot get along down here? Judgmental attitudes will not work in heaven. I feel that I want to say how I'm not really so bad; see how others are doing things that are "worse" than me. But then it is me that is being just as judgmental as others. I have always felt like the black sheep in my family, making bad life choices, not finishing college, not having the best of jobs, always needing helped out. I know in my head that we are all sinners saved by grace and that no one sin is any better or any worse than any other sin, and that all sin will separate us from God. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snjd291QmiE&list=RDEMSpZ8H9-X42DpIOWflH4R3w&index=27 So this song by the Gaithers just came on "Sinner saved by grace" Is it my own vain imaginings that cause me to feel this way? Does "she" mean to come across as condescending and does she realize how her words come across to me? Am I just overly sensitive? Talk to her? Last time I poured my heart out to her I got told that I was a hateful, ungrateful...(bad word). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc&list=RDEMSpZ8H9-X42DpIOWflH4R3w&index=27 "Blessings" by Laura Story comes on now. "What if your healing comes through tears? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" These words catch my ear as I type. Yes I can forgive her. Must forgive her. God help me. The accuser of us wants me to hold on to this but I cannot. It is a two fold poison. I internalize my self loathing and also have bitterness towards others. The master deceiver is hard at work. Even now God is using the songs that pop up on youtube channel to speak to my heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijytLs96yig&index=27&list=RDEMSpZ8H9-X42DpIOWflH4R3w "God will take care of you"
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Thank you Jesus.
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